I’ve been giving a lot of thought to phrases people say everyday. Phrases so common, the nonsense behind them slips by. Nope. Not right now. I’m about to expose all of the ones that have been plaguing my mind recently.
I would rather not “sleep like a baby” nor would I enjoy sleeping “like a log.” When I sleep, I would much rather “sleep like a comatose patient.” These two phrases imply the following to me: To sleep like a baby would involve my waking up every two to three hours demanding to be fed or even worse, a diaper change. To be classified as a log, a tree must have either fallen or been cut. Thus it is safe to assume it is dead. Would I like to sleep like a dead piece of wood? No. Besides, aren’t logs found “sleeping” on the ground? That’s nasty.
How are you? “As fit as a fiddle!” No. Just… no. Since when is a fiddle fit, exactly? Physically more “fit” than a cello in the sense that it is more slim, sure. But why would you say you are “as fit as a fiddle?” On a similar note you can be “happy as a clam.” Exactly how happy is a clam? If it is about to be eaten or cooked… probably not very. Assuming things such as clams are happy is just plain stupid. Almost as stupid as assuming that one can be as “dumb as a box of rocks.” Seeing as rocks cannot speak, it is quite presumptuous to assume that they are dumb. By this logic, animals are dumb. Think about it.
Speaking of animals, they don’t come out of this unscathed, either. “It is raining cats and dogs.” Really? I’d love to go out and catch a Shih Tzu. If only that were possible, I’d be as happy as a clam. As if cats and dogs falling from the sky weren’t enough of an issue, we’ve also got a loud-mouthed bird. If one more person tells me that they learned something from a “little bird” it is very likely that the hypothetical bird will be dinner. A close friend of this bird is a frog which happens to be hairy. “Finer than a frog’s hair.” Okay, I understand. So fine you can’t see it. But really. A hairy frog? Awkward.
More awkward than a hairy frog would be “when the shit hits the fan.” We all understand the saying and we have all used it. However, I can’t help but wonder exactly where it began. I’m trying to imagine when the literal shit hit the literal fan… thats gross and awkward. Other phrases everyone is guilty of “without beating around the bush” any further run rampant through society. I’ve been called the “apple of someone’s eye” and I have also informed others that I am indeed “all that and a bag of chips.” Of course my short rant of stupid phrases is to be “taken with a grain of salt.” Preferably from my bag of hypothetical chips.