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The Elf on the Shelf

December 14, 2012

12DaysofChristmasRedThere are a few times where something comes across my attention that prompts the thought: it is probably for the best I never plan to have children.  What sparked it this year?  None other than The Elf on the Shelf.

Why would something so cute make me thankful that I have sworn off procreation?  Well, that’s simple: my elf would be absolutely evil.  Gone would be the cute little pranks that the elf pulls on unsuspecting children.  Fittingly, my elf would be named Ivan the Terrible.  Here are a few things I’d be pulling off as an evil elf…

ElfOnTheShelf1.) Haircuts.  Yep, you read that correctly.  Needed one?  Doesn’t matter, Ivan would definitely not object to trimming your bangs or perhaps buzzing a bit of your hair.

2.) Markers.  What would he do with them?  You never know, mustaches are pretty trendy now, right?  Of course, he’d make sure it was a permanent marker before he got started on their faces.

3.) Toilet paper.  Everywhere.

4.) Saran wrap.  Same as toilet paper.  Everywhere.  Who know’s maybe that evil little elf is capable of saran wrapping a child in their bed?  That’s just rude!

5.) Laundry.  Your favorite shirt?  Well, Ivan decided to help out with the laundry, and it appears he went a little heavy on the bleach.  Sorry.

That’s just a taste of what my elf would be capable of.  Hopefully this isn’t reflective upon my skills to watch after children.  If that is the case, then I am sorry, but I must point out that my niece and nephew love me.

There are no rules in this house, I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.  Right, Regina?

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